Monday, March 4, 2013


Hello, and happy March, loveys! I do hope the last half of February treated you well. Please do pardon my absence. I sometimes struggle to balance work, family and blogging while still finding time to eat, sleep and breathe.

I was thinking of you guys, however, today when I miscalculated a step and nearly broke my butt bone in two. I've come to realize there is an ever-widening distance between me and that jackass called Gravity. It's not even because I'm old; nor because I'm probably legally blind.

Typically I'm just walking along, minding my own biz, when out of nowhere, the freaking floor jumps up and bitch-slaps me in the face! It happens to the best of us, though. Same thing happened to Nicole Richie recently.

That ground came out of nowhere!
The only thing you can do when it's your turn, besties, is laugh. You may as well laugh, because if I'm around, I'm sure as hell going to. (Unless you're legit injured. In that case, I'll likely have already started laughing before I realize you're hurt, but I swear I'll stop ASAP. Or at the very least, I'll walk away and not laugh where you can see me.)

I mean, even Justin Bieber can laugh at himself:

Who the hell put see-through glass on this door?!

It's all good if the hair's still okay.
 So I guess I'm not the only one who has floors and doors coming out of nowhere. It seems none of us are immune, loveys. Please do use extreme caution when going about your daily routine. I realize there are times that no amount of vigilance will protect us from the evils of gravitational pull though. Even royalty can succumb.

I mean, just look at Lady Gaga; Minding her own biz, swaggin' it through the airport and rocking a super-sensible and appropriate travel look,

Same look you or I might rock to the laundromat. No biggie.
 when out of nowhere the freaking floor gets all up in her face:

It's funny, and it's entertaining. I get that. But loveys, when is enough going to be enough?

Leave our national treasures alone!
*shakes fist at gravity*
I don't go down without a fight though, loveys. Believe that. Just like you see in the above fists of Bieber, and the smack of Gaga's palm, and the karate-chop of Snooki's tiny li'l hand, I always do my best to fight back. Like all the cool kids do:

"Hi-yah! Take that, concrete!"

And I don't know about you, but I personally like to windmill my arms on the way down, for maximum embarrassment. Like this chick:

In case your fall was too discreet, flail
your arms like you're on fire, like we do.
Even supermodels have been known to momentarily ditch being better than everyone else, in order to eat the ground.
"Oh, bollocks-pish-posh-and-fiddlesticks!"
(That's how I imagine an English model cursing.)
We're all in this together, loveys. Don't let your guard down and keep your eyes open for poles, doors and floors that come out of nowhere. Because as ridiculous as these people look, chances are we'll still manage to look even worse. Vigilance is key!

Yours in clumsiness,

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