WELL?

Now that we've had 1 full week of 2013, I just thought I'd check in with you. How are those resolutions working out for you?

Are you really cranking out your word counts?

Sticking to your new health kick?

New leaf still turned over?

Yeah, me neither. Oh well. 51 more weeks to get this crap together.

I guess what it comes down to is this: There's nobody in our way but ourselves. Let's do this, lovebugs.




I think I can, I think I can...



Eww, winter!

The Christmas decorations are down, New Year's Day is history, and I have no more work holidays to look forward to for months. Ugh, the bleak remainder of winter is here, loveys.

*ponders *

What to do? What to do?

In years past, I'd simply trudge through the crappy, below-freezing months, with nothing to look forward to except the fat-hiding layers of clothes, dry-humping cuddling for warmth, and being able to grow my body hair out like this:

Winter layers




  

But not this year, besties. No. This year I'm gonna use winter to my advantage. It's like the old saying goes: When life gives you snow, make snowball daiquiris!



Cheers to winter!

  

I love you guys, so I'm gonna share a treasured heirloom recipe, handed down by generations.

Snowball strawberry daiquiri recipe I just made up:

• 2 cups of snow (It has to be clean snow though. At least until you get too drunk to notice.)
• double-shot of rum (more or less, depending on your own tastes and level of alcoholism)
• 1 cup of frozen strawberries, thawed and smooshed well with 1/4 cup of sugar
• Mix it, stir it, or blend it all together, and Voila!

(No, wait. First, call me to come over, so you don't look pathetic drinking all alone.)

And then Voila!

You did it!

You have taken winter, grabbed it by the snowballs, and shown him who's boss. I'll drink to that.

FRIDAY FAVES

Ah, a shiny New Year. Welcome, welcome, 2013! Please take your coat off and do come in; You'll be here awhile.

You know what I love most about a new year, my loveys?
Promise.



Hopeful.


I'm a sucker for optimism, and I also don't mind the clean-slate I feel we're given every January 1st. Thanks, Universe!

I also have a few choice reasons to welcome 2013 with open arms.

Let's start with Melissa McCarthy. I couldn't love her more if I'd birthed her myself. She's my reigning girl crush, and I will be there on opening day, candy hidden in my purse, to see this:



February 8, 2013. Any volunteers to be my date?

I am also very-much looking forward to summer. (Anyone else hearing Phoebe from "Friends" asking in her British accent, "So, where do you all summah?" No? Just me?) Not that I have a super-active summer planned out or anything. It's just that it's currently 19 degrees here. I had to dunk my hands in my coffee this morning, in order to thaw my fingers out enough to type. Need I say more?

One book release that I'm crazy-excited for this year:

June 4, 2013
In Depression-era Chicago, Harper Curtis finds a key to a house that opens on to other times. But it comes at a cost. He has to kill the shining girls: bright young women, burning with potential. He stalks them through their lives across different eras until, in 1989, one of his victims, Kirby Mazrachi, survives and starts hunting him back. 

Finally, I cannot wait for this year's wedding of one of my nearest and dearest besties. Not only in the hopes of seeing her in a dress for the 1st time in the history of our 12 year friendship, but also due to the fact that it's taking place in Hawaii. Aloha, loveys!!



You are here, said the map of Hawaii to Helena.


I am always renewed in spirit and faith with the dawning of a new year, so I have hundreds of things to look forward to, in addition to the above, and so do you all.

Ah, promise. My kinda happy.

LET'S GET RICH!

It's time for some real talk, loveys. Let's have a serious heart-to-heart about my 3rd and final resolution for 2013: Make some money, honey!

I can't be the only writer out there who thought, surely by now, I'd be writing for a living. I'm not expecting J.K. Rowling money here, but is it too much to ask to be able to "make it rain" every now and then? Pssh! I can't even make it mist.

What can I say? Writing isn't quite as lucrative as I'd hoped.

Well, no more, guys. I have researched extra-deep, and come up with 3 ingenious (if I do say so myself) ideas for us to make/or save extra money this year.

Let's-Get-Rich Tip #1:
Go to this website. They have an insane amount of totally free writing contests, (which is unheard of in itself), and a lot of inspiring success stories. Submit your work, sell your manuscripts, and thank me in the Acknowlegements page. Preferably before your agent.

Let's-Get-Rich Tip #2:
Start sneaking in your own refreshments for any and all entertainment venues. I know you sneak your own candy into the theater. It's okay. We're family. I won't tell. And I've actually seen you hide sodas in your diaper bag at Six Flags. It's alright, lovey. I'm not judging you. Nor am I suggesting you stop going out on the weekends. Never that, my friends. We're not dead! What I am doing, however, is telling your cheap ass to take your old-hat frugality up a notch. Or five.
Sneaking your own liquor into the club - now that's what I'm talking about! Let's face it, you're spending like 10 times more money on alcohol than you are kiddie concessions. That's where you need to invest your best sneakery.
Everyone else is already drunk, so it's likely they won't even notice. If they do, offer a quick shot and keep it movin'. It's quite simple, really. Just act natural.
Here, I'll demonstrate. You take notes:

You see? The Grey Goose just blends right in to it's natural habitat, in the special place near my heart.

And don't bother with airplane-sized bottles, lovey. You'll have to bring like 15 of those, strap them to your inner thighs, and run the risk of sounding like a walking marimba. (Not that I've done that, mind you.)
I'm just saying. Go big or go home.

Let's-Get-Rich Tip #3:
Do it all yourself! And I mean all of it: Polish your own mani/pedis, cook your own Big Macs, and even do your own roofing. And with every penny you save, stash it.
Now, I don't want to shame your tiny stashes, guys, but I'm gonna show you mine.
Please don't feel bashful that yours may pale in comparison. I've been chasing Tyler Perry's spot on the Forbes list for a while now, so you can't expect to be as rich as me.
It's okay though. I mean, you've gotta start somewhere!




Suck it, Tyler Perry!

You see? I'm practically ready to retire after following my own super-foolish foolproof Let's-Get-Rich tips! And all it took was a little dedication, cushion-diving, kids' piggy bank raiding, can-recycling, working two jobs, cutting my own hair, and the occasional pick-pocketing!

Feel free to use any none one of my tips, loveys. We're no doubt in for an incredibly prosperous 2013. Your wealth may come today, or in 5 years from now, but I'm sure it's coming.
And if you beat me to the Forbes list, keep an eye out, because I'm right behind you. No, seriously, I'm right behind you.
Who else am I gonna pick-pocket? 

RESOLUTION #2: MIND OUTTA THE GUTTER

After yesterday's post, you know that I have resolved to stop letting myself go around any longer looking like an ogre. That's all fine & dandy for what's on the outside, but what about what's on the inside? That's what really counts, right?

Confession, loveys: I have a dirty mind and a sailor mouth and the sense of humor exactly what you might expect of, say, a 14 year-old boy. So my 2nd resolution of 2013 is to tweak that, just a bit. I have started exchanging my curse words for perfectly innocent words, and trying not to end every simple statement with "That's what she said."

But please let me explain. You see, I wasn't always this way. It all started, as most corruptions do, with a boy:




Not so pure.

However, effective yesterday, I'm acting super-mature and totally grown-up. So when my son lost Bullseye today and used a make-shift horse for Woody, I snapped a pic. Not to post on Twitter, mis amigos, but as evidence of my growth:

Where in the helmet is Bullseye when you need him?

Do you also need a mind-scrubbing? How about a little test? Hmm...let's see here. Aha! Take a good look at the pic below. Depending on where your mind drifts upon viewing this image, you too may want to join me in my perversion purge.

What the funhouse?!

And finally, I offer you this test in visual acuity, blog fam. What do you notice in this shot of Shemar Moore? Anything just kinda...stick out?

Must...look...away...

Beautiful scenery, yes. Girly-looking glasses, I agree. But wait. Is that? Why yes, I think it is. My, those shorts are a simply beautiful shade of boner blue!

See? I'm a changed person. Big things in 2013, loveys. Big, beautiful, bulging things in 2013.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm not big on resolutions, loveys. No, siree.

Oh, but I am big on making promises to myself I'll never keep. I'm fantastic at listing them out on the prettiest paper on hand, writing down the last detail of my new exercise regime, and creating shopping lists for the ingredients I'll need for my latest, sure-fire diet plan. I am even a regular "pinner" of something of-the-moment that strikes me as brilliant.

Yes, I'm at super-duper at planning to take my level of awesome up a notch.

It's the execution part I suck at.

You know what really sucks though? Vacuums, vampires, and algae fish.

Wait, I digress. (You guys know my attention span is gone in a blink.) What was I talking about again? Oh, yes. Actually carrying out something I intend to do.

This year, no grand plans or fancy-pants ideas for me. Nope. I will not vow to lose 30 pounds in 2013. I'm not promising myself to travel Europe this year. And I refuse to marry Nelly, no matter how much he begs! (Well, unless the ring is massive, like Khloe Kardashian sick.)

Eww! Am I right, ladies?

This year, I will simply tell myself, "Self, we're gonna try harder."

That's it.

Not kill my body with some ridiculous P90X, or deprive myself of less than 4,000 calories a day.
I'll just try a teensy bit harder.

First step to a Kick-Ass 2013:
 
Look more presentable.

Loveys, I have no issue running around town with no makeup on, or wearing uncombed hair pulled into a bun, and rocking the same sweats I wore throughout my last pregnancy 4 years ago. I don't mind a bit. However, recent events have made me rethink my firm position of complete comfort despite looking like shit.

1) I realized I'm ugly enough to scare small children.



A face that could put scarecrows out of a job.



And

2) I actually ran into Nelly not long ago. I am saddened to report it wasn't really lust love at first sight for him, loveys. *wipes tear* I don't know if I came on too strong, or because I couldn't get through his bodyguard, or if it had more to do with me looking like this:

'Swimfan' all over again.

Baby steps, fam. Baby steps.

Let's rock these next 365 days, loveys. Happy New Year!