Thursday, January 3, 2013


It's time for some real talk, loveys. Let's have a serious heart-to-heart about my 3rd and final resolution for 2013: Make some money, honey!

I can't be the only writer out there who thought, surely by now, I'd be writing for a living. I'm not expecting J.K. Rowling money here, but is it too much to ask to be able to "make it rain" every now and then? Pssh! I can't even make it mist.

What can I say? Writing isn't quite as lucrative as I'd hoped.

Well, no more, guys. I have researched extra-deep, and come up with 3 ingenious (if I do say so myself) ideas for us to make/or save extra money this year.

Let's-Get-Rich Tip #1:
Go to this website. They have an insane amount of totally free writing contests, (which is unheard of in itself), and a lot of inspiring success stories. Submit your work, sell your manuscripts, and thank me in the Acknowlegements page. Preferably before your agent.

Let's-Get-Rich Tip #2:
Start sneaking in your own refreshments for any and all entertainment venues. I know you sneak your own candy into the theater. It's okay. We're family. I won't tell. And I've actually seen you hide sodas in your diaper bag at Six Flags. It's alright, lovey. I'm not judging you. Nor am I suggesting you stop going out on the weekends. Never that, my friends. We're not dead! What I am doing, however, is telling your cheap ass to take your old-hat frugality up a notch. Or five.
Sneaking your own liquor into the club - now that's what I'm talking about! Let's face it, you're spending like 10 times more money on alcohol than you are kiddie concessions. That's where you need to invest your best sneakery.
Everyone else is already drunk, so it's likely they won't even notice. If they do, offer a quick shot and keep it movin'. It's quite simple, really. Just act natural.
Here, I'll demonstrate. You take notes:

You see? The Grey Goose just blends right in to it's natural habitat, in the special place near my heart.

And don't bother with airplane-sized bottles, lovey. You'll have to bring like 15 of those, strap them to your inner thighs, and run the risk of sounding like a walking marimba. (Not that I've done that, mind you.)
I'm just saying. Go big or go home.

Let's-Get-Rich Tip #3:
Do it all yourself! And I mean all of it: Polish your own mani/pedis, cook your own Big Macs, and even do your own roofing. And with every penny you save, stash it.
Now, I don't want to shame your tiny stashes, guys, but I'm gonna show you mine.
Please don't feel bashful that yours may pale in comparison. I've been chasing Tyler Perry's spot on the Forbes list for a while now, so you can't expect to be as rich as me.
It's okay though. I mean, you've gotta start somewhere!

Suck it, Tyler Perry!
You see? I'm practically ready to retire after following my own super-foolish foolproof Let's-Get-Rich tips! And all it took was a little dedication, cushion-diving, kids' piggy bank raiding, can-recycling, working two jobs, cutting my own hair, and the occasional pick-pocketing!

Feel free to use any none one of my tips, loveys. We're no doubt in for an incredibly prosperous 2013. Your wealth may come today, or in 5 years from now, but I'm sure it's coming.
And if you beat me to the Forbes list, keep an eye out, because I'm right behind you. No, seriously, I'm right behind you.
Who else am I gonna pick-pocket? 

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