Tuesday, February 12, 2013


So I'm sitting here minding my own business, pretending to write but actually bouncing around the internet, when I came across this story of a man who built up his own comfy retirement in just 20 short years. He cut up his 13 credit cards, lived modestly and paid all his debts off extremely fast.


My entire retirement fund at this point consists of the trash bag of empty soda cans in my trunk and the $20 in birthday money my mom will send me this year.


I've still got plenty of time though, right? It's like my bestie Buzz Lightyear says, "This is no time to panic."

All I have to do is come up with a few cash-grab ideas, then simply not spend the cash I grab. Easy-peezy.

Fund-raising ideas are all around us, if you look hard enough. Let's see here...
  • Wishing wells/or fountains - hold your nose, dive in, grab the coins and Voila!
  • Cash in your gold! Teeth or fillings, that is. Face it, lovey. Nobody looks cute with a grill. Not even you, Nelly. Gold teeth are so 5 years ago. Trade your teeth! (It's not as hillbilly as it sounds, I swear.)
  • Donate plasma - I can't do needles though, loveys. So donate some for me while you're there and we'll split it 50/50.
  • Turn snitch! I saw a billboard yesterday offering "Cash for tips" from Crimestoppers. I blinked twice to make sure it wasn't a money-mirage of some sort, but it was indeed real. Just make sure the money you get is enough to get your ass outta town afterward, 'cause "You in danger, girl!"
  • Beg online! Post a pathetic Facebook picture of yourself holding a sign. Something like "My grandpa said if I can get 1 million Likes, he'll pad my savings account."
  • Become a model! I'm about 5 inches too short and 50 pounds too fat for the high-fashion stuff, but I could totally pose for something realistic, like store-bought movie theater snacks. Is that a thing? I'll go ahead and start on my portfolio, just in case:

Supermodel Step 1: Work it and twerk it.

Supermodel Step 2: Sell that shit!

Supermodel Step 3: Sign a contract for mills.
Refuse to sign autographs, marry a musician
and have an affair with my personal plastic surgeon.

Wow. I think I've just mapped out my own plan for a cushy retirement. I should be ready in about 5 years, by my math. Well, as long as I don't keep spending it like crazy.

And that's where my FAIL ALERT starts blaring.

Confession: Spending is my weakness. In fact, I braved a thunderstorm just to be at Target when they opened, in order to snatch up some of Prabal Gurung's collection on last Sunday's debut.

Clearly, they surpassed the "Want" category
and fell into the "Need" category. Loves it!
It's totally okay though. I mean, I was extra-smart about it and only bought what I needed. (What I need may be topic for debate, but there's no time for that right now, loveys-we're too busy saving money!) Anyhoo, I was also careful to buy it in a size too small, because that's the practical way to lose weight, duh. I also only bought a couple of items so they could easily be stashed in my closet, carefully hidden among all the other dresses I've collected over the years that I still can't squeeze into.
Not spending is the tricky part, loveys.

So now what?

*taps foot*

Well don't look at me! I came up with all the ideas for bringing home the moolah so it's only fair that you come up with the ideas for saving our coinage.

Just let me know when you've got some good ideas. I'll be over here on Zappos.com until then.

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