Monday, October 1, 2012


Today is October 1st. May I be the 1st to wish you a Happy October.
We're rounding 3rd base of 2012, lovey-doveys. Hooray for Fall!
And October in Missouri is absolutely beautiful: Autumn leaves, cool weather, and of course, the prep and decor for Halloween.

What's a spider gotta do to get some candy?
 Halloween is great; A candy stash that lasts until next year, pretending to be someone (or something) else for the night, and the opportunity to scare people to tears. Score!

Fact: People love fear.

Exibit A:
Speeding cars, extreme roller coasters, and Marilyn Manson horror movies all are terrifying to varying degrees, and yet they all have legions of fans.

Well, it's no wonder why. Fear, in small doses, feels good.

"Hi. I'm Adrenaline. I'll have you hooked in no time."
How many times have you seen a person almost crap their pants in fright, only to turn around and say, "What a rush!"
The flood of adrenaline hormones in that rush actually increases your strength and speed, and decreases the body's ability to feel pain. It's kinda like being Superman, just for a bit. Though temporary, this physiological fight-or-flight response is a natural high. A high so powerful, some people become adrenaline "junkies," chasing the next rush.

She totally feels like Superman right now.

I'm no junkie for speed or heights or any real danger, but I do still love a good scare.
Wait. Let me clarify.
I love to be the scarer, not the scaree.
My personal fave of frights are the scaring pranks. You can easily see why:

It's hilarious to me seeing someone terrified. The bulged eyes, the contorted mouth, and the jerking bodily movements will have me crumpled on the floor, laughing myself into hysterics every. single. time.

*pausing for a fit of giggles*

Disclaimer: (Here's where it gets totally serious, guys.)
You can be scared to death. You can scare someone else to death. Without laying a finger on another person, without ever wielding a weapon, and even without any real intent, you can for reals kill someone. You see, adrenaline in large doses can be toxic, and can cause sometimes-fatal damage to the internal organs.

That is fact, loveys. So true it should be printed under a Snapple cap, if it isn't already.

I arm you with this super-important PSA, not to tell you how to commit murder without leaving marks.

*solemnly shakes head*

No, friends. I'm telling you, because my 6 year-old nearly killed me in the Burger King drive-thru last weekend, and I'm only just now able to revisit the trauma.

Picture it: We pull into Burger King, both singing and rocking out to "Call Me Maybe." I turn off the radio, place our order, and pull around.
It's quiet in the car.
I may have sent a text or two.
We sat at the drive-thru window for several minutes, waiting patiently.
Finally, the lady hands our food through the window, and as I turn to hand my baby girl her veggie burger, I saw she was sound asleep, slumped over in her car seat. But the way she was positioned, I swear she looked like the scary girl-monster from the Naomi Watts movie, "The Ring."

Exhibit B:

I've since recovered, but the heart damage from that particular rush could have been fatal. I'm old and feeble, after all. So if I happen to keel over with no apparent cause other than a contorted expression frozen on my corpse, please leave no stone unturned in looking for the culprit. I mean it. Interrogate toddlers. Search my husband's wallet. Frisk my dogs. Whatever it takes to avenge this crime.
And also, please mark my headstone with: "Here lies Helena. She always loved a good scare."

And now...

I leave you...

with this final thought...


Don't let her sweet smile fool you. This little girl could very well stop your heart at first glance.