Monday, January 21, 2013


I’ll never change the world like Martin Luther King did, loveys. Not even close.

But in my own tiny ways, I still set out to do good. I’ll admit, I am an extremely lazy do-gooder though. Sure, I’ll write a check. I will donate to the Salvation Army kettle on my way out of the grocery store. I’ll even egg the shit out of my friend’s cheating ex’s house. Pretty much just your charitable basics.

So on this day that we celebrate Dr. King, I got to thinking about what I can do to really make an impact on this world.


WWAJD? (What would Angelina Jolie do?)

Immediately after this thought popped into my head, a tiny hand knocked at my door. And there stood my first answer.

*snaps fingers* That’s it!

That knock came from a Girl Scout. Aha! My chance to do good! (Suck it, Brangelina!) Did you know that about 70% of the money raised by those cookies goes to the girls, some of whom also break off a chunk of change to other charities, and even to our troops overseas?
(The other 30% goes to the bakers, duh. Those tree elves don’t just work for free!)
Aside from the obvious deliciousness, the impact of buying those cookies goes way further than just your hips, I swear.
Go. Find the nearest Girl Scout and buy a box of every flavor.
I should also point out that recent studies show that eating Girl Scout cookies instantly makes you happier.*

Party in my mouth!

*That study was conducted by the University of MyMouth.

I truly think the easiest act we can carry out as do-gooders is just practicing gratitude. For me, the right words can give me a legit mood boost. I’ve learned that little things can really brighten someone’s day. Smile at people. Offer a compliment:

See? A little flattery goes a long way.

And for crying out loud, let’s remember to thank people who truly are out here bettering society. Let’s examine some of our most heroic and badass do-gooders, shall we?


"Hola, maestra. Gracias por todo."

Not only do teachers have the thankless job of wrangling, coddling and intelligizing our children, but now they also have to know defensive tactics in order to protect our babies in class!? And all for just enough pay to barely scrape by without welfare, if they’re lucky. (FYI - That word I just made up will make it into Webster’s one day. "in-TELL-i-jy-zing"; verb, meaning: to instill intelligence in people who would otherwise be total dummies... And I’ll have a teacher to thank for that too.)

Loveys, check out this pic from Guns N Hoses. These are an awesome series of events, held in various cities, to raise money for Backstoppers. Wow. Something like this really rocks my face off. Here are our women and men in red and blue, taking time out from saving our sorry asses to train and fight, in order to raise money for other women and men in red and blue who sacrificed everything, saving our sorry asses.
(Go ahead and read that back. I'll wait.) Seriously. Please thank them.

"Let's wrap this up. Gotta get back to saving sorry asses."

Nurses are incredible! I’ve long believed there is nothing these ladies and gents can’t do. I think they’re just born with stomachs of steel, so I actually tested that assumption one night. I once had a nurse who – in the span of 5 minutes – rubbed my back while I cried like a newborn, held back my hair so I could puke, and wipe my butt when I was physically unable.
And that wasn’t even at the hospital, you guys. No, I was just drunk in the bathroom of a nightclub. (Super-awkward way to meet someone, by the way.)

Police officers.
You guys know that I always joke about how hot and sexy men in general cops are. I mean, even the puny ones look all buff when they're rockin’ the Kevlar. And the gun and badge are all I really need to overlook the occasional ticket. I mean, they’re just so freaking beautiful in that uniform, and so brave and extra-gorgeous when they get all rescuey! Ooh, and you know I just love a man who takes charge, and…

Wait. What was I supposed to be writing about again?

*taps chin*

Where’s my train of thought? *looks around the room* It was just here a minute ago...

Oh, yes. Thanking Officer Friendly!

One bit of advice though. When you go to thank a police officer, just don’t get too overzealous. It’s kind of frowned upon. I don't know. Maybe they just have a hard time receiving stalking gratitude, but they get kinda pissed when you lay it on a little too thick. The details are fuzzy, but it's something about crossing over from grateful to “creepy.”

My stalking conviction will eventually be expunged, but you, sir,
will still be dead inside! (Sidebar: I think I just wrote Taylor Swift's
next heartbreak single there.)

And there you have it, lovebugs. My super-easy plan to change the immediate vicinity world. One small gesture at a time.

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